By Brian M. Howle
Every dang one of you out there knows this to be true, so don’t go getting all bent out of shape. Yes, yes, those rabid religious zealots that make up the leadership, rank & file of Al Qaeda are all very, very bad people. And yes, yes, they are all completely dedicated to destroying America and Israel, in no apparent order of importance.
But, let’s get real. Now, just like each of you, I was all riled up and totally supportive of our President back on 9/11, when the towers’ long plumes of smoke trailed off into that fateful September morning sky, and the ensuing dust cloud that made Manhattan disappear filled my heart with sorrow and rage, and obscured my ability to rationally understand what I was witnessing.
So, here we are, four-plus years later, 2,000-plus American military lives later, and billions of dollars (that we didn’t have to spend) later. For all our righteous and decidedly overwhelming military might, that lanky bastard with the ratty beard and the AK-47 is still scampering around some cave, and only God knows where.
And just what do we have to show for it?
A collection of the absolute worst members of the legislative and administrative branches of American government to ever serve, the incompetent likes of which we have never seen before.
The Democratic party, once the proud clarion of social justice and champion of civil rights, has disintegrated into a disheveled-looking bunch of whining traitors, interested only in recapturing their 40-year dynasty of government waste. And to make matters worse, they’re just being major dumbasses when it comes to actual national security issues.
I say, next Senator who makes pretentious charges against the character of the next qualified federal judge, gets castrated on the spot. (And yeah, this includes you, Hillary).
The Republican party, once the only true alternative to a nation gone astray, has homogenized and morphed itself into something that isn’t all that discernable from the other guys; at least when it comes to throwing money at a problem when that’s not the way to fix it. They have, however, completely shattered the Constitutional foundation of the rights of citizens in their pathetic pursuit of justifying the means to the ends. Someone should remind them that a citizenry under total government control was pretty much the outline for Orwell’s 1984. Didn’t work in the book, either.
I say, give me a President who mangles the language, oversteps authority and believes Democracy means one man can decide for all and ignore the Constitution … oh wait, already got one.
So now, when you’re ready to take a flight within or out of the country, you can’t take a decent nailclipper with you – but you can bring pounds and pounds of stolen Uranium across the porous borders of Canada and Mexico without much problem.
You can’t get a public education worth a damn – but you can bet your ass that you can get more and more money allotted for education without having any means of accounting for whether or not anyone is getting the job done.
You can’t get economics taught in the school system where our children have an understanding of world markets and currency after 12 years of education – but you can get a dozen credit cards in five minutes.
The time is drawing near when our time at the top of the world order will expire, and you don’t have to look too far to see the woeful signs that the end is, indeed, very near.
My cousin in Texas sent me this list of observations that someone made, and it’s probably been around the world via the Internet a dozen times. But this one bears repeating until every American reads and fully comprehends what the hell is going on in our once-great nation:
Top 10 Signs Your Country Has Become Dumber Than A Bag Of Hammers
1. Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don’t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter. “You don’t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply. “So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?” “That’s right.” So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “divider”, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?” I said to her “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today.” She said “OK,” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
3. A lady at an office I was visiting was putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM “thingy.”
4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?” “Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked. “No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door with the remote, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk.”
5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?” “Just use copier machine paper,” the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five “blank” copies.
6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister. I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the “cruise control” and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
7. My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: “I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”
8. Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.
9. Want to have some fun the next time you visit a fast-food restaurant? If your order comes to, say, $7.63 – give the kid at the window a $10 bill and 13 cents. Have your hand ready to shield your face, because chances are, their head will explode as they try to figure out why you gave them 13 cents.
10. A mother calls 911, very worried, asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room; the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her, “Give the kid some Benadryl and he should be just fine. The mother replies, “I just gave him some ant killer…..” Dispatcher: “Oh God! Rush him in to emergency!”
Life is tough. And it’s a lot tougher if you’re stupid.
But I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free.
The previous article orginally appeared in Alternatives NewsMagazine, February 9, 2006.