By Brian M. Howle
Well, anyone who reads my column knows that I’ve been thinking about this week’s ghastly turn of events emanating from the United States Supreme Court.
I fear that the mythical call to arms – once proudly listened to in this country – will evade the nation yet again, as the outrage that should make the earth tremble just fails to materialize.
We have truly become a nation of sheeple, oblivious to the outright unconstitutional edicts of our highest court. Where are the rallies? Where are those call to arms that we so gallantly regale during the coming weekend, as we celebrate our once glorious national sojourn against the warm, comforting bosom of freedom and self-government?
In an act of complete and total arrogance towards any semblance of the law of the land as defined in the U.S. Constitution, the Supreme Court handed down a truly shameful and asinine ruling by asserting that a government entity has the right to take PRIVATE PROPERTY from a PRIVATE OWNER and redistribute it to a wealthier PRIVATE OWNER, who in turn develops said PRIVATE PROPERTY into a revenue-earning tax cash cow for that government entity.
For those who need to be brought up to speed, there is an amendment that prohibits the government from seizing private property, with the exception being EMINENT DOMAIN, where the property is used for PUBLIC needs, such as highways and right-of-ways for utilities and such.
Even then, the government has to pay fair-value for the property.
Well, screw all that now. If they want it, they can just take it. And the hell with paying fair market.
This decision came down last week. And as of now – nearly a week later – there are still no massive demonstrations in the streets; no cries of “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!” reverberating across the fruited plains.
I guess it’s just overshadowed by things of real interest to the average American these days. Things like analyzing the results of the Michael Jackson freak show acquittal, or the open buffet for sharks along Florida’s Gulf coast, or maybe even the latest attempts by FOX in whoring out all the emotions they can, while gutting the memory of little Natalee in Aruba.
Oh please, God, if you’re out there, send one of your bull sharks to get Geraldo or Greta, please? The incessant nawing of the corpse – before there is any corpse – is simply too nauseating to endure anymore. Thank you, Jesus.
In the meantime, as this once great nation spirals into the abyss of glorified stupidity and minutia, I offer you some truly enlightening entertainment while underscoring my bleak assessment of our society in general.
Yes, it’s that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least Evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners.
2005 Darwin Award Winners:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked….. And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger The chef’s claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for three days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer..$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, “FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F***-UP!’ For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the sniggers started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he’d been about to draw his gun. He couldn’t have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, “Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f***-up!”
8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”
10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
11. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
Well, there they are, folks. I look forward to the Darwin Awards each year, if only to reassure myself that it could, indeed, be worse.
So what it comes down to – the most people’s final analysis – is that comedian Blake Clark’s observation is more true today than ever.
It’s time to thin the herd.
As we’ve clearly seen in the previous examples, the concept is not without its followers. All that remains now is for the overwhelming majority of others who are similarly inclined to wade out to the fringe of the pack and let nature take its course.
It’s tounge-in-cheek, of course, but it would be nice to have a nation of thinking individuals who aren’t brain-dead from years of cathode-ray overexposure or simple-mindedly towing the line for one of the two insane political parties, which, coincidentally, run the entire country.
When the government takes your money via taxes out of you paycheck FIRST – before any liens, savings, deposits, Christmas Clubs, etc., and spends it without regard to its best use for the whole of our society; when the government prevents majority rule from practicing their brand of religion in a country founded on religious freedom; when the government blatantly, flat-out lies and deceives that poor, middle-class fool who inevitably foots the bill for the latest lobbyist’s bribes (and that’s what they are, outright bribes); when our education system is so broken and out of touch with reality and yet, no one seems to care that we’re speeding towards a collapse back to 3rd World status at the speed of light; when we know our nation’s heroin-like addiction to petroleum products teeters on total chaos and looming shortages, and yet we continue designing, building and selling inefficient and wasteful vehicles; and when the nation’s highest court decides to circumvent the constitution in such a blatantly in-your-face, screw you and there’s nothing you can do about it manner – well, it’s time to start thinking about some changes.
It pains me to no end to say it, but right now, I find myself in agreement with conservative talk-show host, Rush Limbaugh. He suggested that it’s time to rally the family on the ol’ homestead, sending Grandma up on top of the house with sandbags and a shotgun, and have the kids do the same, as well.
Dig in. Defend what you have legally, lawfully, morally and rightly earned through your hard work and sacrifice.
The next generation of bumpers stickers will no doubt read: “You can have the deed to my property when you pry it from my cold, dead hand.”
In the meantime, I hope our government feels free to siphon all the gas they want from our motor homes.
The previous article originally appeared in Alternatives NewsMagazine, June 30, 2005.