By Brian M. Howle
You could almost set your watch by the deafening choruses that rained down from the Republican Morality Police a few years back. Anything to do with William Jefferson Clinton automatically brought forth those high and mighty, better-than-you-or-anyone-else screams of “impeachment!” from the Conservative movement’s leadership, as well as the too-stupid-to-think-for-themselves Dittoheads.
So, tell me – where are those fine, righteous, God-fearing Americans today?
After all, the entire basis for that unending barrage of anti-Clinton reasoning was that the man was destroying the very foundation of our country’s moral fabric, remember?
Forgive me if I seem a tad pissed, but that whole chain of events – resulting in the attempted impeachment of President Clinton (aimed solely at creating gargantuous embarrassment for the man, his family and his political party) – was centered around that the-sky’s-gonna-fall rationalization that the United States was absolutely about to crumble apart at the seams because Willy got a hummer in the White House, remember?
Oh, it initally started out as the dead-end witch hunt over Whitewater, the failed land deal back in Arkansas – that was the thing that was going to bring Clinton and his uberbitch wife crashing down from power, remember?
But a funny thing happened on the way to righteousness. A different Arkansas governor and a few other lower-ranking players were scooped up in the retribution seining net put into the political waters by Special Prosecutor Ken Starr and his goose-stepping puppet masters.
As a disclaimer to this particular action, it should be noted – like they do at the end of television commercials that use animals – that no Clintons were harmed in the demolition of countless political careers and lives (and the suicide of one White House counsel), as well as the waste of millions of federal taxpayer dollars.
But, hey, that’s the sort of thing that will happen, when righteous, God-fearing Americans – with your best interests at heart – are allowed to engage in politics-as-usual inside the Beltway. All under the guise of democracy, of course.
Although no one (outside of the international intelligence community) seemed to realize it at the time, President Clinton did make one huge mistake while all of this orchestrated soap opera was unfolding.
He allowed a little-known bad guy by the name of Osama bin Laden to slip through our fingers.
Oh, and don’t forget – another huge travesty in the misuse of power was that whole missile attack in the Serbian-Croatian mess, designed to draw attention away from the windowless room beside the Oval Office.
And, of course, those righteous, God-fearing Americans found absolute vindication in their endeavors when the aforementioned bad guy turned out to be behind the 9-11 attacks, remember?
Oooooo, that would never have happened if Monica had just kept her mouth shut.
So, here we all are a decade later. And what, exactly, has changed?
For starters, we got rid of that troublemaker Clinton.
Well, actually, his second term sorta did that for us.
But we showed his party how ticked off we were by electing George W. Bush as our president.
Oh yeah, now we were gonna take care of business. Kicking ass and taking names – that was the creedo sweeping the country.
Well, not much really happened in the beginning of Dubyah’s first term.
But that all changed on the morning of September 11, 2001.
And on that day, every intelligent American – along with the not-so-intelligent ones – jumped on the national bandwagon of support, and essentially dealt President Bush carte blanche and an open check book in the name of justice, righteousness and revenge.
And yes, you will find my name among the faithful believers. I wrote a column in full support of my president and my country at the time. Politics be damned – the time for all of us to unite had come.
My, how time can change your perspective.
The lunatic left never gave ol’ Dubyah a chance. From the debacle of hanging chads in Florida following the 2000 Presidential Election, they ranted about conspiracy after conspiracy by the powers that be, and that the election had been stolen from the American people and that screamin’ wingnut, Al Gore.
Yes, it was a close election. Yes, it was a circus. And yes, it didn’t look good that Dubyah’s Daddy’s former Secretary of State, James Baker, was hangin’ out with his buds in the Florida GOP hierchy and the Supreme Court, apparently putting pressure on someone for something in the pale of politics as usual.
But also remember that, yes, the liberal media trumpeted the circus’ arrival, and like a junkyard dog, never let go of that barren bone. And yes, the liberal Florida Supreme Court tried to negate the right of thousands of military servicemen and women by attempting to throw out their mail-in votes.
And yes, Al Gore won the popular vote. But unfortunately, our education system failed all of you who think that we elect our president via popular vote.
One would think the experience of the popular vote in high school elections would tend to open one’s eyes as to the reasoning for that, but…
Hmmm … could it be that our government schools don’t do a good job of educating our voters? Hmmm?
No, kids, it’s the Electoral College votes that count. And in that realm, no matter how many chads were hanging, or how many little ol’ Democrat retirees or downtrodden blacks, hispanics et al were hoo-dooed from their proper polling stations – at the end of the day, George W. Bush had the Electoral votes.
Cry and whine all you want to if you didn’t like it – or better yet, go tell Castro you want a recount in Cuba.
Instead of wasting your time bitching about all that, allow me to suggest an alternative action that just might actually do us all some good.
Let’s get radical.
Now all you truly insane morons who drool over your high-powered rifles with scopes, and all you Bible-thumping fanatics who are just a diety away from being on Osama’s team – don’t get excited and think that I mean radical in the sense of murder, anarchy and a return to those thrilling days of yesteryear (as in The Inquistion or The Final Solution).
Here’s a crazy little idea:
Simply vote all of the traitorous morons out of office.
What, you ask, is my definition of traitorous morons?
Here’s where my plan gets a bit tricky, and I freely admit as much.
But when the President waivers and flops on the toughest issues facing our country and turns on his own conservative base – spending like the proverbial drunken sailor for political gain; when the Congress is consistently more interested in covering their own asses and engaging in pork barrel politics as usual for political gain; when the Supreme Court starts to rule against the rights of the people in favor of the rights of corporations and government as usual – THAT’s when it’s time to act like true patriots and get jiggy with it.
No one cheers for the little guy and the downtrodden more than yours truly, so let’s be clear about that. But only if they want to become legal
members of our society.
I don’t care how bad it was where you came from, or what conditions your people have endured. Life’s a bitch everywhere, so get over it.
I have had a personal stake in this argument, as my ex went through the process of becoming a citizen of the United States by the book and the law. She didn’t march in the streets and cry about having some right to citizenship, medical care or jobs. It took her years of hard work and sacrifice. No one gave her anything – she earned it.
But this latest idiotic assertion that we should just ignore those who follow the rules and let anyone who screams to be given citizenship a free pass is where my patience – and the optimistic future of our country – ends. Period.
And now, we’re supposed to watch as the politicians gather like rats on a burning ship and sell out our country for “Latino votes.”
Well, I guess we shouldn’t be surprised, since they’ve been selling out our country for everything else.
Our textile industry – you know, the one located in all the states where the education system worked so well for the little guy – has evaporated, gone to countries where little Raj or Ming Lee make about 3 cents a week pounding out those Levi bluejeans and Arrow shirts that you always buy at the lowest price at Wal-Mart.
Our automobile industry – you know, the one where the arrogant, head-in-the-sand management and unions did such a great job for the little guy – is evaporating, gone to countries where union pensions and medical coverage that destroy any chance of profitability and competitive pricing don’t exsist, not to mention building quality vehicles that someone would actually want to own.
In fact, there are only a few things we seem to be very good at producing any more:
1. Salacious, mind-rotting television news, programming and entertainment; and,
2. Patriotic, flag-waving excuses for bombing the living hell out of whoever is capable of giving us the least resistence in the name of fighting terrorism.
Oh wait, I just realized I’m wrong. I missed one:
Now we’ve got ourselves a ballgame!
Oh man, thank God I came to my senses in the nick of time. Here I was, all worried I was just ranting and rambling for no good reason.
So rest assured, America – as long as we have politicians, lawyers, landscapers, laborers, Bill O’Reilly, George Clooney, CNN and Clear Channel, we will continue to lead the world with first-class stupidity.
God bless George W. Bush.
The previous article was originally published in the April 20, 2006 issue of Alternatives NewsMagazine.